Godly Courtship in Preparation to Marriage

Heaven Ministries – November 2012

Lust-Love vs. Pure-Love
God Established Marriage to be for a lifetime!



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A healthy marriage ALWAYS starts out with a friendship that is not sexual and where there is no expectation to have sex.  Today there are many confused young people that believe “dating” and everything that goes along with it is normal. Let me tell you this. It is NOT normal to “go out on a date”, flirt around and then have sex later on that day or in two days or in two months!

It seems normal because it is what 95% of the population does before getting married; it is what we have been taught. But as we can clearly see with the high rates of unfaithfulness, lust addictions, and divorce in marriage today, IT IS NOT WORKING!

The only time that sex is appropriate is between a man and a woman that are married to their first and only spouse. This is the only time that sex is appropriate. Sex is a wonderful and beautiful part of the marriage relationship and must only be shared between two truly married people, a man and a woman. “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body”. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20

Unfortunately we are a society that bases everything we do on sex, which is lust-love not pure-love.  Divorce, even in Latin American cultures is catching up to North America, which in the good old USA divorce is at the top of the list for the most divorces in the world.  Here in Ecuador divorce is much less prevalent but it is becoming more and more accepted.  Young people in the world ARE NOT Prepared for marriage!!  Marriage preparation takes a responsibility to God and most young Christian people are not taught this accountability anymore.

What’s happening is most Christian people of today are NOT prepared for marriage because they are in lust-love with their spouse, not pure-love that comes from above.   Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good. Romans 12:9

We are not taught to love properly. Christian young men are not taught by parents or in their churches to “respect” women.  And yet, ironically Gods word teaches that dads and other church elders teach the young men how to treat a woman.  It is God’s will for Christian men to love women, as they were his sisters, with sisterly love and with absolute purity. (1 Timothy 5:2)

Young men of today have not been taught how to treat a young lady, or receiving something from her would not be a priority. Society actually enables men to disrespect women through lust thoughts and actions.

When was the last time you watched a Hollywood movie where the guy and gal said “no” to sex and they agree to wait until marriage. Shows on television glamorize women who cheat on their husbands, and to be politically correct, since feminism is all around us, the woman is always in charge and the men debased. How does that make you feel? All of this is depravity of the man/woman roles.  

The world that claims to be 90% Christian cannot be changed but YOU can change yourself and begin to be more responsible to God! As Christians we are accountable to God first and foremost. Without that accountability we are not and cannot actually say we are a Christian!

Bottom line: we are not taught how to love others as Christ loved us. We are a VERY confused Christian society that bases how we love others on how we are treated by them and through our feelings, both of which are not biblical. We have this belief that we have to receive something to love and we have to feel something to love. But we are wrong!

Christian young women are not taught to respect their husbands. And yet, ironically Gods word teaches that mothers and other older married women teach the young women how a wife should behave. “…Then they (older women and mothers) can train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, that no one will malign the word of God.”  (Titus 2:4-5)

We Are Responsible for Our Relationship with God

You are Responsible for Your Relationship with God!  We desperately NEED to stop relying on our parents, our churches and the world to show us how to be a Christian. Obviously what they think is a Christian is actually harming those who are soul-searching for the truth. Your Christianity is up to YOU! No one cares more about your spiritual health then you!!

Young people go to church and the church condones cultural dating as if it is ok.  Most people look at cultural dating as something you must do before marriage but this is hardly the case. “Dating” in the world today and its behaviors is “lust” not “love”.

Yes, you MUST get to know the person you marry before you marry them but not through giving away yourself emotionally or physically. You can read more about Godly courtship in our free ebook called “How to Prepare for a Rock Solid Marriage” on the home page.

Young men and women do NOT have to give away their hearts, minds, and bodies to know someone. And…in fact this is the WRONG way to get to know someone. Let me tell you why.  When two young people have sex BEFORE marriage they begin to base their love on the physical and emotional aspects of the relationship instead of truly “seeing” who the person is they are with. They begin to become so emotionally and physically involved with each other that they DO NOT AND CANNOT SEE CLEARLY to know the other person except through the lust aspect of the relationship. This is why many young people today think they are “in love” when they get married… and after so many months or years say they have “fallen out of love” and end up divorcing.  But the truth is, “they were never “in love” to begin with”, but “in lust”!!!

There is no “in love” or “out of love” in relationships.

Through the ages we tend to use our words incorrectly, such as saying “I’m not in love with my spouse anymore”. Or, “I’m not in love with my boyfriend/girlfriend anymore.”  But if the relationship was based on sex, desires and lust then what people mean to say is “I don’t feel lust or desire for my spouse anymore”.

Pure-love from Jesus Christ:

1.     Love is a choice (not a feeling)

2.     Love is a verb

3.     Love is an action

4.     To love means to act

We choose to love our spouse or not to love our spouse, even when we don’t feel very loving towards them. Love, being a verb means we “do” things to show our love. We must “act” on God’s marriage precepts for our lives; this is our purpose as a husband or a wife. God has given us roles to “act” on. (Ephesians 5)

Don’t expect marriage to “feel good” all the time. But TAKE YOUR ROLE WITH SERIOUSNESS AND BE THE HUSBAND OR WIFE GOD WANTS YOU TO BE. This attitude starts out in the Godly courtship relationship.

The fact is, you cannot “fall out of love” you were never in. People simply stop feeling “in lust” and therefore think they are “not in love” with their spouse!!

Lust-love from the world:

1.     Dating (sex)

2.     Expectations

3.     Negative emotions

4.     Wrong desires thinking “it” is love

Most marriages are based on lust-love. Look at the four keys above. It starts out innocent enough since everyone dates and then of course, dating leads to sex and then come the expectations and negative emotions rooted from the sexual aspect of the relationship. This part is the lust-love.  

The negative emotions stem from how one “feels” about the other person since having sex. You see, sex changes the whole dynamics of the relationship...since having sex you now have expectations that were not there before. Your feelings are different; you are now vulnerable since having sex, which means you will feel jealousy, mistrust, anger, envy, and strife, stress and so on and so forth, in this lust-love relationship…

…If someone truly loved you, as Christ teaches us how to love, they would not intentionally harm you emotionally, spiritually or physically through the lust act of sex. Point is, they would not expect. But don’t you see, they are hurting you when they expect sex, or expect anything from you that you yourself cannot, or do not give, or reluctantly give.  This subject is all detailed out on the Godly courtship ministry.   Please email Frank and me with your questions.

Since 95% of young Christian people of today are not taught by their parents and churches how to treat each other in preparation to marriage, we will continue to see unfaithfulness, lust addictions, and divorce rates skyrocket.  The reality is, we think that we are doing what is right when we “go to church” or when we “go out on a date” but both of these are keeping us from truly “growing in the pure faith of God laid out in His Holy Word.  Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world. Titus 2:12

Who Shows / Teaches You How to be a Christian?

You are responsible for your physical health, not doctors. Doctors do not really care about your health. They prescribe medications to make you “feel” better but in the long run it is only you that can take care of your physical and mental health—only you!  But you do not wait until you’re sick with disease. No, you must begin to take care of your health as soon as you can when you are a teenager or younger. This is what makes you stronger as you get older.

In the same way, you are responsible for your spiritual health, not churches that do not make Jesus Christ the head of it. If Jesus Christ is not the Master and Commander of your church then who is? They prescribe a “feel good” sermon so you’ll keep coming back and tithe but in the long run it is only you who can discover the truths that are not being taught in the churches, such as how to treat (love) others in your many different relationships. Don’t wait until you are spiritually diseased; take care of your spiritual health today!

Life is all about our relationships with other people.  So it is VERY important for Christ-one’s to know how Christ wants us to lead our relationships; starting from our friendships to courtships and from our neighborly love to our most precious marriages. The whole bible teaches us how to love and treat others, and yet most Christians do not “do” what the bible says.  James says, “Don’t just listen to the word, do what it says!!  But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. (James 1:22) The last part of this important message is what many are doing. They are deceiving themselves!  We deceive ourselves (unbeknownst to us) by NOT doing the teachings of God. We deceive ourselves by rebelling against God and His love for us! Did you know the teachings of Jesus Christ are God’s love for us?!

Are you a Christian that “does” what the word says, or are you a Christian that only appears to be a Christian?

*Christ commands that a woman to submit to her husband but most Christian wives are in rebellion to this (Ephesians 5:24)
* Christ commands that a husband love his wife as He does the church, but most Christian husbands are not getting it, or are in rebellion (Ephesians 5:25)
*Christ commands that a wife respect (reverence) her husband but most wives are disrespecting their husbands instead (Ephesians 5:33)
* Mothers are told to teach their daughters how to behave and carry themselves, but most mothers don’t know how to behave or carry themselves
(Titus 2:4-5)
* Dads are told to teach their sons and young men self-control but most Christian dads don’t have self-control – Titus 2: 6-7

Are you a Christian that “does” what the word says, or are you a Christian that only appears to be a Christian? Are we Christ-ones that follow Jesus Christ, or do we only say we follow Jesus Christ and put ourselves on the pedestal instead?

We have to get serious about our relationships because God takes marriage VERY serious and the best marriages ALWAYS start out with Godly preparation leading up to marriage, not worldly preparation. The world and its ideas cannot prepare young people for marriage because it has already divorced itself from God.

Remember: what you see going on in the world is not love but only what appears to be love. Unless we’re actually “doing what the Word of God says for us to do, we are only appearing to be good little Christians. Appearances can be deceiving!

And if you are also caught up in worldly things you will not see it, nor understand this newsletter.  Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: Matthew 7:24

Remember, God Established Marriage to be for a lifetime! Are YOU Prepared?

In Jesus Christ
Frank and Angie
Heaven Ministries – Marriage Healing Ministry

Heaven Ministries – Godly Courtship in Preparation for Marriage

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